You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
