shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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