I showed him my bush... on skype.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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