I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
