overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
