i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
