She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
