So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
