You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
