You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Randomize
