I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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