Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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