Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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