FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
