Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
try to milk me bitch
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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