How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
