You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
