I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Randomize
