dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
