Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
