That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
