a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
