this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
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