I like my sex mixed with concussions.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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