He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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