someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
