Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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