on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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