I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
