I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
