Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
