i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
