So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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