I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
My vagina just recognized that song.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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