fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
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In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Just high enough for therapy.
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I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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