It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
