im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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