i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Randomize
