He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
