Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
