At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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