Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
This baby is an asshole
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
