I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Omg the world wants us to be better people