remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
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Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
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Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?