Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
