mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
