didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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