can we get nightvision for the apartment?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
