Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
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I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
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She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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