No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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