make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I think i got beer on your cat.
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