I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Randomize
