My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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