I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
He did a backflip because drugs
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
