I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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