My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
