Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
You have to summon your inner elephant
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
