So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
