Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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