If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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