Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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