Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
