I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
