just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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