Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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